I Have a Giant Black Hole in my Heart Where Romance Should Be

I am not a fan of the new(est) “Pride and Prejudice” movie, mostly because I thought it was lame.

And I thought it was lame mostly because the dialogue was stupid.

And I thought the dialogue was stupid mostly because of scenes like this:

Mr. Darcy: You have bewitched me, body and soul. I love … I love … (wait for it) … I love you.

Elizabeth (walks to him, picks up his hand and kisses it tenderly): Your hands are cold.

(They kiss in the sunrise.)

Actually, looking at it written down makes me realize that without the stage directions, this scene wouldn’t be half bad. It would be more like a real scene, one I could see christofer and myself in. Of course, with us it probably would have gone more like this:

Him: You have bewitched me, body and soul. I love … I love … I love you.

Me: Your hands are cold.

Him: wha?

Me: You hands are cold. Very cold. Seriously. Like ice.

Him: My hands are … cold.

Me: Yes. Freezing. You really should have worn some gloves.

Him: I tell you that I am bewitched body and soul and you say … my hands are cold?

Me: Yes! They are cold! Didn’t you even look out the window? It’s all misty and foggy, and that means cold. Look, it would probably help if you buttoned your shirt up.

Him: Wait. Just wait. I told you that I am bewitched body and soul, and you said … said …

Me (helpfully): Your hands are cold.

Him: Right. My hands are cold. Don’t you think you should have said … something else?

Me: Something else?

Him: Right. Something else.

Me: Like what?

Him: Like … you’ve bewitched me too, and I need you?

Me: Are you serious?

Him: Yes.

Me: You want me to say that you ‘bewitched’ me?

Him: Well, it wouldn’t hurt.

Me: um, Yes. Yes, it would. It would cause me physical pain.

Him: Well, you could at least say you loved me.

Me: And I might have, if I hadn’t gotten distracted by the fact that you’re strolling around in the freezing morning half-undressed and shivering like an idiot! Your hands are so cold, I can’t even think about anything else.

Him: Look! Can we forget how cold I am for just a second and focus on the important stuff?

Me: Okay. Fine. No need to get huffy.

Him (slowly, as if to a child): I love you. Do you love me?

Me: Yes.

Him: Okay. Great. Why didn’t you just say so?

Me: Because I love you a little less when you talk like an idiot – and your hands are SO COLD.

Him: gah! Never mind.